July 9, 2026

 July 9, 2026

I’ve started pulling my hair out again. I thought it was a replacement for binge eating but today I’ve done both all day. I’m thinking it may have been due to an ‘argument’ I had with my father this morning. He made fun of me for not finishing school and it upset me. I wanted to tell him it was his fault, because it was, but I never do. And that only upsets me further. I used to pull my hair as a child, I’m not sure why. Back then I’d wrap quite a bit of hair from the back of my head around my finger and pull it all at once. I was pretty young, maybe 7-9ish. I don’t remember doing it for too long. Maybe a few months. 

I likely moved on the other behaviors. I believe I did it a few times in middle and high school, but not frequently. It’s back now. I’ve done it quite a few times the passed two weeks, today the was the worst. I pulled a lot, enough to fill my hairbrush. And I know that because I removed the hair from my hairbrush and compared it to the pile of hair I’d just pulled. I’m assuming I’m also stressed from dieting. That, my sleep schedule, and I’ve been worried my dad is going to blow up on me lately, today was an almost, but not quite how it usually goes. It’s much worse when he actually blows up. 

I’ve avoided him the past month, I’ve been in my room a lot. I feel anxious when I’m around him too long. I believe I may just be paranoid, he hasn’t really done anything. He hasn’t blown up on me in a while. Actually I know it was January because I didn’t get my period that month due to the stress afterwards. I’ve always been scared of him but it gets much worse after those episodes. I feel that way now and I have for a few weeks. I think everything is just exaggerated right now due to my dieting and fasting stress. Which is likely why my period was late. 

My period has been really heavy, a bit more than normal, which normal for me is heavier than the ‘normal’ heavy. I bleed a lot. My scalp hurts from pulling. I ate around 2000 calories today. This is the most I’ve eaten since April. I’m not sure how this happened. I was wrong. I recounted my calories and it was almost 1800. Which is still the most I’ve eaten, but it’s not as bad to me. I’m tired. I really want to sleep. I’m gonna try to stay up until 9:30 so I can call my friend before he goes to work. I’ve been going to sleep at 7-8ish. I hope I can sleep longer tonight.

I’ve been sleeping from 8 to 3-4ish, I hate this. I want to sleep until daylight, I hate waking up when it’s still dark out. My teeth hurt. It’s 9:41pm and I’m tired.

Good night.

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