June 13, 2026

 June 13, 2026

I do not feel good today. I weighed myself and there was no difference. I shouldn't have expected one but I did. I'm really drained today, I do not feel like doing anything. My vitamins were delivered this morning, I took them. They taste okay. I hope they help. I'm so tired I wish I could take a nap.

My day wasn’t great, my dad got angry that i wouldn’t order him alcohol and refused to talk to me for the rest of the day. I’ve felt lonely all day. I ate pizza earlier and it made me feel bad. I know I ate the correct amount of calories, I still feel I ate too much or that I somehow counted the calories wrong or that the box was lying. When my friend spends time with his family I get jealous. Not jealous that he’s spending time with them opposed to me, but jealous that he has a family to spend time with.

I feel bad for feeling this way. I feel the same way when he spends time with his friends, I only have three friends and he’s one of them. I spent four hours on call with one of them yesterday but I know that will not happen again for a very long time. I hate the way I look. I was snapping someone back and seeing my face upset me. I haven’t taken a picture of myself and saved it since maybe march. I also deleted all the pictures I had of myself. 

I notice a lot lately that I make fun of people in my head or say mean things about them, really I think I’m talking to myself. I’m glad I do not actually say those things to them. I know some people do. I see it constantly on social media. I hope to never be that way. I’m so miserable. Sometimes I feel better and I think that these moments aren’t real but in reality I truly am miserable. I hate myself.

I don’t want to die, I like being alive, I just wish to be someone else. I wish to be prettier and healthier. I wish to have a family that loves and cares for me. I wish to have friends that enjoy spending time with me. I wish to be completely different than I am now. And I know that I will never have any of these things. Nothing will ever change. Nobody will ever feel enough for me to want me as their significant other, mother of their child. I’ll never be able to start a family. 

Starting a family is all I truly want out of life. I’ve craved it since I was a small child. 

I don’t understand how anyone could find me attractive. I believe they all lie to me. Your friends have to lie, or else they’re a shitty friend. Others lie because they want to sleep with you. I feel icky. I wish I could change. I’m so sick of being me. I wonder if my mother ever felt this way. I wonder if that’s why she ended up the way she is. 

I wish my birthday wouldn’t come. I wish I didn’t have one. I wish I could just skip the day. I wish nobody would mention It. I remember two things about my ninth birthday, I only ever joke about the second one. The first is that I sat outside waiting for my mother to show up for what I remember as hours. This was common, any time she would visit she’d be hours late or just not show up.

I thought she wouldn’t show up. But she did. Because I was a child I expected her to stay for a while, even though she never did. But because it was my birthday, I had high expectations. She stayed for less than ten minutes. The part I joke about is that she gave me 9 dollars. There was no card, nothing else, she just pulled crumbled up one dollar bills out of her bra, gave them to me, and left. I’m sure I begged her stay longer, but she never did. 

I remember when I was a bit older my dad told me that at times my mother would receive over $1000 per week from her sugar daddy throughout my childhood, so it really makes me wonder if that was one of those times, and if she just gave me what she had left after spending the rest on drugs and whatever else. I should mention she never paid child support and she visited maybe once a month. Sometimes less. I remember one time my aunt told her I was watching weird videos on my laptop (I was watching youtube videos of kids reacting to videos and she asked about it and I didn’t know how to explain), my mother took that and ran with it. 

She came to my house before I got home from school and looked through my search history, obviously she found porn and omegle all over it because I hadn’t cleared it out in a while. The only reason she did this was because she wanted to sell my laptop for crack, she made it very obvious that she could care less about what was on it, but she was very adamant that she needed to take my laptop away. Obviously my dad saw right through this and didn’t let her take it.

Another thing I remember about her is that she always called from a private number. Her excuse was always that she was using a friends phone. I don’t believe that. There was never a time she didn’t have her phone on her. And she never went without a phone, If it broke she had a new one the next day. I think she just didn’t want me calling her. Didn’t want me to bother her. 

I want food. I only had one meal today due to the high calories, I did this yesterday too. Yesterday I was distracted all night so it was easier to not think of eating. I’m lonely and have no distractions tonight. I know I will not eat anything. I know I will not binge. But i still worry. I ate cookies with my meal today. Mini fudge stripe cookies. They’re very good. They’re also a decent amount of calories for how many you get. They’re the motivation for wanting to overeat.

I can eat them again tomorrow. I need to plan out my meal for tomorrow, that usually helps. I can eat my leftover pizza for lunch, dinosaur nuggets and fries for dinner, and still have cookies and half a serving of goldfish for snack without going over my calories tomorrow. That sounds really nice. I haven’t had more than one meal in a few days. Thankfully i’m no longer interested in the tortilla chips. I have granola bars, i need to eat some of those next week. I can skip cookie’s every other day and eat a granola bar. 

My stomach’s keeps feeling weird. It’s like the cramps you get before you need to use the restroom, but then it stops and nothing happens. It’s been happening every few hours since yesterday. This month is going by really slowly. I’m not sure why. March, April, and May went by so quickly I constantly forgot which month it was. I’m very aware it’s June right now. My stomach just did the thing again.

Everyday I keep thinking I’ll have nothing to write about, I’m always wrong. I deleted most of this paragraph and published it to my poetry website instead. My first time writing poetry. And my first time publishing it. I never liked poetry in middle or high school, it’s starting to grow on me now. I got a comment on it already, it was very sweet. I feel much better than earlier.

I wonder if anyone will ever actually read my blog, I mean I only have the link on my lurk website, and I haven’t sent it to anyone. It’s probably best for it to stay unread. I overshare a lot. Some of the stuff i say is embarrassing. But I think some people may find me interesting. My back aches. I wish i knew how to make my blog pretty. My hair feels rough against my back, I need to use a mask in it. Or oil it.

My friend and I are supposed to call and play Roblox soon, I hope we actually do. I have a feeling we won't. I need to look up how to make my blog pretty. I saw someone else's yesterday and it was so pretty and organized. Mine feels very bland. all I do is write and publish. I was right, we didn't get to play or call. I'm trying not to be upset but I can't help it. I've been looking forward to it all day and then we don't do it. I'm tired.

Good night.