June 10, 2026

June 10, 2026

Technically it's June 11th (2:35 AM) but I'm writing about the day. I woke up in pain like I have the past few mornings, it's on my side. I've ruled out everything but an ovarian cyst. I'm almost positive that's what it is. It hurts. I feel it has been affecting my moods. I skipped breakfast as I do every morning. I weighed myself, I lost a little over a pound. Likely water weight but at least I didn't gain.

I actually had the motivation to read today! That's new. I hadn't read in over two maybe three months. Honestly maybe more. Anyway I started reading Satan's Affair by H.D. Carlton. I read Haunting Adeline and Hunting Adeline maybe two years ago, Everyone hates them but I genuinely enjoyed them. I started Satan's Affair immediately afterward, I lost interest a few chapters in, I tried to read it multiple other times, same issue. Never really got past chapter 3. I'm on chapter 7 now, it's getting interesting, so I hope I can continue reading. 

While I was reading I was really craving food, I wasn't hungry, I just really wanted pizza. I guess I was excited because I had finally bought pizza after not having real pizza in over a week. I ate my mini pizza for lunch, a bit earlier than i'd normally eat. Then I messed up by eating tortilla chips afterward, I was supposed to eat chicken nuggets and fries for dinner. I only had 400 calories left for the day and after tortilla chips I only had 260 calories left, I could have eaten just chicken nuggets for dinner, but I decided to eat more chips and string cheese. 

While i'm glad I stayed under my calories for the day, i'm upset that I let myself eat that many chips, or any in general. But it's over now and there's nothing I can do about it. Eating out of what I was supposed to really bothered me, my mood only got worse from there. My dad ignoring/dismissing my side pain didn't help. I was in bed most of the day, after eating I had no motivation to continue reading. I tried to play a game, I tried to start a new series, I tried to start a movie, and I tried to write. Nothing worked. Everything made me feel worse.

My friend texted me a few times about how her boyfriend treats her badly, lies to her, ignores her, etc. I think it affected my mood too. Then the guy I've been talking to texts me saying he will not be able to text as much at work anymore. A normal person would likely be understanding, I however took it personally. It doesn't help that last night he said we wouldn't be able to call after work tonight because he's going out.

After being indecisive and bothered for a while I decided to take a nap, I slept for maybe two hours. I woke up feeling worse, naps always make me nauseous and groggy regardless of how long. But the main issue was I felt panicked about how I ate today, I was worried I would gain weight from the 1200 calories I ate. It lasted a while. I wanted to binge eat for comfort but I stopped myself. I've been able to stop myself a lot lately. I haven't really binged in a few weeks.

I scrolled on edtwt and weight loss Reddit pages for a while, some things scared me, some things motivated me. It's very unlikely i'll have a decent looking body after losing weight, that really bothers me. I'm sure my body can't look any worse than it does now, but what if i'm wrong? I saw a lady on Instagram who had a very large apron belly, like me, but the rest of her was skinny. I'm really afraid of my body ending up like that.

My stomach is starting to hurt. Probably because I binge drank water while I was panicking about gaining weight. I also put shape-wear on because I convinced myself it would help change my body shape. It's 3:29 AM. I've been writing for nearly an hour, which is sad because I've barely written anything. Either way I think I'm finished for the night.

Good night.