June 11, 2026

 June 11, 2026

I woke up in pain again, my whole lower abdomen instead of just my side. I kept waking up all morning, my dad's squeaky bathroom door opening and closing. My lower back is killing me. I gained half a pound. (water weight but who cares why would I want to see the scale go up opposed to down?) I'm in physical pain as I type, I should take some Tylenol but I feel it will not help.

I finished Satan's Affair, it was much shorter than i thought. Only 11 chapters. It was pretty good, i like the main character she reminds me of myself a little. I wish i had read Satan's Affair before Haunting Adeline and Hunting Adeline, I'm assuming from the way it was written I wasn't supposed to know Sibby's henchmen were hallucinations. Either way it had a decent ending I just wish it were longer, but at least I've finally finished it. I may start a new book soon.

I ate lunch and started a new book. I had pizza again and I started Picking Daisies on Sundays by Liana Cincotti. I only read chapter one, I like the characters so far I hope i'll continue reading. after reading I was hungry and ate tortilla chips again (kill me) and a granola bar. Thankfully I didn't finish my pizza so I had enough calories left for dinner. I ate dinner pretty quickly after the snack. I need to stop doing that.

I watched an old Shane Dawson video. Before yesterday I hadn't watched him in a while, almost two years, and before that I hadn't watched him since he was canceled. It upsets me that he was canceled and he'll never make videos the way he did before. Not the bad videos that got him canceled, but the ones after those. His videos feel so nostalgic. I wish I could go back and watch them all for the first time again. 

I need to read or do something productive but i'm just stuck in bed, I do not feel like doing anything. I wish I could sleep. My side pain has almost gone away. I think the rest of my pain this morning was ovulation cramps, for some reason I always get those. I'm really bored, I want to talk to the guy I talk to but he's at work. He promised he'd call after work, I hope he does. He was really nice to me last night -he just texted me mid typing- but he was also drunk, I hate to feel this way but what if that's why he was so nice?

I started scrolling through all of the videos on Shane's channel, the oldest video is 11 years old and is titled, 'My Apology (Blackface & Offensive Videos)'. It is so weird to me that A. I don't remember ever seeing that video and B. He got away with such a shitty Apology video and made videos for another almost 5 years without being canceled. I remember Shane had a special series on his channel called WTF Five where Destery Smith would talk about five things that were going on or whatever. I liked that series and I liked Destery.

About a year after Shane was canceled I started watching Destery, maybe a year or so later I found out there were allegations against him. -I just attempted to watch a video about the allegations before I spoke on them, the videos an hour long and i'm not watching the full thing but the main points i'm getting is that he is allegedly (if there are forty allegations i'm not so sure it's alleged) a pedophile and abuser of his popularity.- I remember sending him some kind of edit I made of him when I was Twelve, I'm really glad he never replied.

I remember attempting to message Shane too, I was so young I really thought they'd reply. I keep thinking of Destery and it's making me feel really fucking weird. I wish he wouldn't have ended up being a shitty person alongside Shane and quite literally every other decent YouTuber from their era. Thinking of all of this reminds me of the men who groomed me in my early teens, They look like normal guys and they treat you like a friend at first, it somehow always comes as a shock that they're a creep.

I remember the first guy that groomed me, I was maybe eight years old. I believe we met on Facebook but I was very active on Omegle back then so he could have added me after we met there. I believe his name was Zachery Fisher, (likely a fake name) I know the last name for sure because my aunt was dating a man with the same last name and I was worried they were related. Zachery was from the UK I believe, I remember he had an accent. He had ginger hair. I remember telling him I was 16 on a video call, he didn't disagree or call me a liar.

I really thought I just looked older than I was and he believed me, looking back I looked 10 at most. I believe he said he was 17, he seemed to really be 17-19, no older if I remember him correctly. I don't remember how long we talked. I do remember blocking him pretty quickly though. He asked to play truth or dare, I agreed. Because of my experience on Omegle for a year or more prior, I knew what guys his age expected from that game. I will not go into detail but we played truth or dare, I got scared, I blocked him. 

That was the first of many of my experiences being groomed. Now that this is really on my mind I have so much to write about. It makes me so sad when I see young girls bragging about talking to/dating older guys because I know in a few years they will be dealing with the damage that causes. And they won't listen when you tell them they're being groomed, I understand because I never did, I just wish I could get through to them.

I have "Here's to us" by Ellie Goulding playing on repeat, I've been listening to it a lot since hearing it on the show Girls (2012). I've also been listening to Pierce The Veil, I love Vic Fuentes's voice so much. I wish non-performative scene guys still existed. Emo too. Everyone is so boring nowadays. I say this as if I'm not a basic white girl. I swear i'll be cooler once I lose weight and like myself again. I miss doing my makeup and dressing like a whore. Oh to be fifteen again.

I love writing I hope I keep this up, it would be fun to go back and read these in a year or so. I'm listening to "Currents Convulsive" by Pierce the veil. Now "Stay away from my friends", the beginning is the best part. I love it. I just added everyone on my Snapchat 'added me' list. Now I have to sift through all of their accounts before interacting with them because men think Snapchat is for sending random girls dick pics. I shouldn't add them back at all but then what would I do on Snapchat?

Why do semi Attractive men think that their dick is golden and i'm not going to report them? Some people truly think being attractive makes them superior or untouchable. My phone is dying. I need headphones for my laptop (wireless headphones were made by the devil). I love music. I kind of want to scroll on Tumblr. I haven't in a while because I looked up EDT once and now that's all that gets recommended. Pinterest did the same thing.

It's weird because Pinterest will not let you look up thinspo/fatspo or any other ED terms but it will however recommend those posts and boards. I like Twitter because you can look up and post literally anything. Bloxburg released new items today and I was so excited for it to just be disappointing, everything was either ugly or looked cheap. The only thing I liked was a rocking chair which I was actually looking for the other day for my nursery so i'm glad they added that.

I think this is well over enough for today, Nighty night.