June 16, 2026

June 16, 2026

I feel drained today, I haven’t felt like doing anything. I’m bothered that I’ve lost almost 20 lbs and there’s no difference, if anything i look bigger. I keep hearing that you notice the difference in your face at around 30 lbs, I do not believe that. I’m so sick of this. Theres no problem with eating less, It barely bothers me anymore. It’s that I’m seeing no difference and I am constantly afraid I’m going to mess up. Every time i count my calories I feel like I’m wrong. Even though I reread the packaging over and over and recalculate repeatedly, I still worry that I’m wrong. I also worry I’m going to binge. 

Even though I get the urge less often, what if I get the urge and give in? And then what if that binge turns into a week long binge, and then what happens if after that I give up? I’ve never stayed consistent this long, I’m so scared of messing up and falling back into the loop. I think changing my sleep schedule will help. That way I will not have the urge the binge throughout the night. But then I think I’d have the urge to binge In the morning/until my normal eating time. I'm so sick of this cycle. Getting more sleep is also supposed to help with weight loss I believe, going to bed earlier would help me sleep longer. I need more sleep anyway, I'm tired of being drained all day. 

I wish my face fat would go away already. I'm so tired of wanting to take pictures of myself and being unable or taking a picture of only half of my face as if that's making me look smaller. I'm sure people notice the angles I take photos from. It bothers me to think about how other people see me. I've only had one person talk about my appearance in front of me. In detail. I was in my high school art class and a girl that sits behind me starts describing the way my body looks, then afterwards she yelled my name to get my attention I ignored her the first few times but after maybe the third I looked at her, she along with her friends all laughed at me. 

She didn't say anything to me after I looked at her, I assume she only yelled my name so I would look back and her friends could see how I looked compared to how she was describing me. Unattractive. I thought one of the guys laughing with her was my friend, I actually had a crush on him the year prior. He has always been kind of rude to me but I always thought it was in a playful manner. I've thought that about quite a few guys before. They're always being mean, not playful. Guys were always mean to me in middle school and I mostly thought it was just playful, or that they liked me.

I never really talked to guys in high school, there was one, but we stopped talking pretty quickly. We were friends for maybe three days, then he told his girlfriend I was flirting with him. I wasn't flirting with him, I didn't even know how to. I only remember relating with him about liking a car and showing him how many followers I had on TikTok. (sigh) Anyway his girlfriend emailed me and told me to 'stop flirting with people'. Somehow I immediately knew it was about him, I likely recognized her name because he talked about her quite often. I remember walking up to an acquaintance and telling her about the situation, she knew the girl and they had been texting about the situation.

She gave me her phone and let me text the girl, I remember sending the girl a big paragraph about how I'd never do that and whatever else. She never bothered me again and I changed seats in the class I had with him. (we originally sat together) He was weird and smelled bad I'm glad that happened. I'm pretty sure he made fun of me most of the time we were friends anyway. 

I feel insecure. I feel like I do not look like a girl. I want to look like a girl. When I wear makeup and do my hair It doesn't help. Without my hair and makeup done, I look like a man. I do not understand why. How am I supposed to find myself attractive when I look like a fat man with long hair and a shaven face? All other girls my age, including girls my size and bigger, look more feminine than me. With or without makeup they all look pretty and feminine. My parents aren't unattractive, why am I? I first started feeling this way when I cut my hair shoulder length in December of 2024. 

At first I only felt this way every once in a while, now it's always. 

I’m very satisfied with how my meal planning has been going lately, every time I crave something it’s always within my calorie budget. It’s much smaller portions than I would have been eating three months ago, but I’m okay with it. I finally feel full after i eat. I’m glad I can still eat foods I like. I think my upper hips look less wide.

Nighty night