July 6, 2026

 July 6, 2026

I feel like I’m being tortured for not wanting to be fat anymore. I’ve lost 23 pounds and suddenly I no longer have a period, my psoriasis is flaring, my HS has worsened, my face is broken out worse than it was in high school, my unibrow somehow got thicker?? and I constantly want to cry. Everything is frustrating me, just talking feels draining. My sleep schedule is hell. Everything is horrible. This was supposed to be different. My HS was supposed to become more manageable, my PCOS too, and I wasn’t supposed to lose my fucking period. 

I’m worried I’ll have to raise my calorie intake. Even though what I’m already eating was recommended, obviously it’s not enough. I’m going to fix my sleep schedule first, and if that does not help, I’ll have to start eating more. I do not want to start losing weight slower, this is really upsetting for me. I have never lost weight the way I have been lately, but the problems it’s causing are becoming too much for me. I’m weak. I wish not having a period didn’t bother me. I wish I could just get over all the problems it’s causing.

I used to only be bedridden on my period, now it’s everyday. I have no energy to leave my bed. I keep getting cramps as if my period were going to start, I also have a rash on my lower abdomen that quite literally just formed as I was writing. I’m hearing a buzzing noise inside my head. It’s like everything can only get worse. I’m so tired. I wish I could nap but if I do I’ll be up all night again. I’m hoping to actually stay up until 10pm tonight. I’ve been awake since 2:30am. I went to sleep around 8:30pm. I woke up almost every hour until 2:30. I wish my brain would just accept my changes without hating me and wanting me to suffer. 

Everyone else can sleep whenever they want and not have any problems but I get stuck with this. It’s like my brain enjoys torturing my body. My insides hate each other. Everything inside my body is angry. I’m so sick of feeling bad constantly. I think I’m going to up my calories to 1500. I’d still lose up to one pound per week. That’s better than nothing. That’s better than suffering. If it doesn’t help by the end of the month, I’m going back to 1200. I stopped taking my vitamins, I’m not sure why. I think I’m going to take my vitamins b. I do not want my fiber gummies anymore. They do nothing. I’m sure the vitamin b does nothing too, but I like the taste. I need a multivitamin. 

Hopefully I can find a gummy one, I hate pills. Even If i’m just swallowing it with water, I can still taste it. It’s horrible. My vitamin B tastes like a sweet tart, I love them. I need to take my iron. I haven’t in months. I never take care of myself. This is likely why I’m suffering so badly. I wish I felt the need to care for myself. My whole weight loss thing isn’t because I want to be healthy, it’s because I want to like the way I look. I couldn’t care less about my health. I never care until I’m uncomfortable. I wish I could have normal feelings. My stomach hurts. 

Good night. 

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