July 1 & 2, 2026 (& June recap!)

 July 1 & 2, 2026 & June recap

I’ve not been doing well and I’ve found it hard to remember to write. My period is late. I thought I was pmsing last week, I had mood swings and cravings and allowed myself to over eat, because I thought my period was coming. I was wrong. And I believe it will not be coming any time soon. When I started eating less (1300-1200 calories) I thought that was the ‘good’ amount and that I would be fine. I was wrong once more. I thought only women who do not eat for days at a time or only consume about 500 calories per day were the one’s who didn’t get periods. After doing research, I was wrong. 

I may not have my period back for two more years. If I continue to eat the way I eat, which I do not plan on stopping. It could be much longer being that it sometimes takes 6 months for women to get their periods after going back to eating maintenance. I am really worried about this. Apparently it’s rare to cause permanent infertility, but I’m still worried. I also dislike this feeling of no release, every month I enjoy getting my period because it makes me feel better, it makes me feel calm, it makes me feel clean, it makes me feel like a woman. It comforts me. It’s a reminder that i’m still likely to be fertile. Which may not be true, but it makes me feel better. 

Once again, it makes me feel like a woman. I have always struggled with not feeling girly enough or not fitting in with other women. I always felt like a boy as a child. I looked in the mirror and always thought I looked like a boy, and I sometimes still do. I always wanted my period as a child too, I’m assuming because I subconsciously felt the way I do now. Anyway, this is really upsetting me. I am not getting the release, I don’t get to bleed, I don’t get to shed, and I know this is not logical but it feels like it’s all going to build up inside of me and that it will never go away. I want to ask women on reddit if they also lost their periods and got them back but I’m scared of bothering or upsetting anyone. I couldn’t find a weight loss page specifically for women, I’m worried if i do it in a regular weight loss page the men will get mad at me. 

I just want some kind of reassurance. I’m scared. I tried telling two of my friends but they didn’t seem to understand. I feel bad for telling them. I feel bad. I’m scared and I feel bad. 

I binge ate yesterday (July 1st), I called it a cheat day but I know what it really was. I ate over 2000 calories within about 36 hours, I started the binge the night before. I just kept going to the kitchen and eating random things and telling myself it was okay because I was burning more calories because my period was about to start which I knew was not true. I kept giving myself excuses all of last weekend and this week. For a while I did genuinely think it was period cravings, and I let in because I know women burn more calories the week prior to their period. But at least by yesterday I knew my period was not coming and I knew that I did not deserve a cheat day. 

Today I ate subway and cheese puffs, I ate the cheese puffs and many other things in the middle of the night. I’m counting the cheese puffs because they were around 6am compared to everything else that was around 1am. I ate subway around 11am and I haven’t eaten since, I plan on fasting until around 6-8 pm tomorrow. I’m going to plan out my meals for the next few days and try to stay strict to it instead of decided to eat snacks instead of my meals when I not longer have the taste for them. I need to stop eating for taste. This is really screwing me over. I also need to stop planning larger meals with no snack, I know this does not work for me, I just end up eating a snack anyway and going over my calories. 

I’m starting to believe I am actually addicted to food, at first I thought I was just like a normal sad fat girl and just liked eating when I was upset and bored. Now I’m not so sure. This morning I kept getting very upset, shaking, and fidgeting while waiting for my father to bring home food. I felt very stressed. It felt like I hadn’t eaten in days, when I had just eaten a few hours prior. This was really weird for me. It made me feel very gross. I still feel gross. I always feel gross. 

My HS and acne are still flaring up, which annoys me because why does my period go away but my breakouts don’t? This is so stupid. Same with body hair compared to scalp hair, why can my body hair grow so fast and thick, but my hair refuses? I wish this weren’t a thing. I wish my body would just agree with me for once. I’m so sick of my body not working normally. Same with my mind. I’m so beyond fucked in the head and it ruins everything for me. I feel so whinny, I feel like I complain about everything, I see the way I write about things, I’m not completely unaware of how stupid I sound, but nobody understands. 

I’m afraid that I’m normal, I’m afraid there is nothing real enough wrong with me for me to act the way I act or feel the way I feel. Everyone else functions fine with issues like mine, even people with worse, so why can’t I? Why am I stuck here unable to do anything? I just lie in bed all day and scroll on my phone or watch TV or play video games or text my three, now two, friends. I blocked one of them because I was tired of her. I do not feel bad. We have nothing in common and all we do is complain at each other. She’s immature, much more than me. 

I’m also aware of my immaturity, I know I’m immature. But I’m also young and mentally ill. Why does everyone think I’m so unaware? Like I’m oblivious to how bad of a person I am or how I act about things? I know. It’s like no one thinks before they assume. Theres no thought before they make up their mind on what they think I am. It’s just they look at me or hear me speak once and their mind is made up. Regardless of how I look or what I say, the assumption is always the same. Why does everyone expect so much from me? I’m so tired. I’m tired of feeling like everyone is out to get me, even my friends or my father. It’s all so bad. I’m finished. 

Good night.

June recap:

Songs on repeat: Here’s To Us by Ellie Goulding, I Don’t Care If You’re Contagious by Pierce The Veil, Selby Wall by Ethel Cain, and Stay Away From My Friends by Pierce The Veil. 

Shows watched: Girls (2012), Alf (1986), and Rick And Morty (2013) 

Movies watched: Twilight series, House Of 1000 Corpses, and The Devils Rejects

Games played: Roblox (Together, Build a zoo, Hangman duels, work at a pizza place, water and fire, and Shawarma) and Among Us. 

Books read: Satans Affair by H.D. Carlton (finished) and Rage by Stephen King (started)

Favorite snacks: mini fudge stripe cookies, Goldfish, and Flamin’ Hot Fritos. 

Weight lost: Total of 23 pounds, 12 of which were lost in June.