July 15, 2026

 July 15, 2026

Today has been better, I walked this morning, I’ve eaten on a schedule (breakfast at 12pm, lunch at 3pm, and dinner at 6pm), I think my new schedule will help with binge urges. Last night was bad. The beginning of today wasn’t great, but it got better throughout the day. I’m a little tired. I really want to paint my new doll, but I threw away my paint pallets and the varnish I currently use isn’t ideal. I’ve been recommended two different ones, but each have iffy reviews. I think this doll will be the last I use my current varnish on. I mix it into the paint while painting, I started doing this because using it after painting stripped the paint off, it was too strong. And using it over mod podge was not working well. 

The way I’ve been painting has been decent, but sometimes the limbs look shiny. I do not like this. shiny babies look horrible. I also started using matte paints because my original paints were satin. This has also helped, but I’ve still had one simi shiny baby. I stripped his head (which wasn’t shiny but I wouldn’t sell him either way because of his shiny limbs and awfully painted hair) and I plan on using him to practice hair painting. I need more browns for hair painting, I only have one currently and it looks weird. It turns colors sometimes? I do not like blonde babies in my collection and in general so I will not be painting those. I have seven blonde baby dolls but those do not count. 

I typically only go for dolls that look like me, especially with reborns. The reborn community is quite annoying, I feel like the only normal reborn collector/artist. Especially the male collectors, male doll collectors in general. I do not like men who participate in women dominated hobbies. Men who dress like women, and attempt to mimic us. Men who steal everything women say and do, men who pick up all the habits they find cool from women/a woman and pretend they’re just natural, then attempt to use them to drag in another girl they’ll soon mimic. They get irritating. And then they wonder why we hate them. 

I’m tired of certain women who claim to hate men then say you can’t hate gay men because they’re gay, they’re men aren’t they? They act the same, they just take it a step further by being overly obnoxious and rude and thinking that’s how women sound. Obviously this is a certain type, not all of them, and I do not hate all of them, but this certain type is quite annoying and I think it’s stupid that we’re not supposed to talk about it because of their sexuality. I don’t hate them because they’re gay, I hate them because of the way they act. I feel that makes me less bigoted compared the average bigot who hates them because they sex up men. 

I’ve met a few decent men, but I’ve met a few thousand unpleasant men. I guess it’s the same with women. I’ve met many horrible women. But I’ve met a significant amount of decent women. I dislike being friends with women, they always seem to be in a competition with me, view me as their pet because I’m fat and autistic, never actually talk to me unless they need to vent, or talk to me lots, but only about men. I have one girl friend, and I love her, she’s normal. She doesn’t do anything I would dislike. She’s quite literally the perfect friend. I’ve had many guy friends, only one of them hasn’t attempted to fuck me, well, after he found out I was underage.

 He liked to talk badly about fat people and try to motivate me to lose weight in shitty ways. He also called Ozempic a cheat. That is why I blocked him. He posted that on his snapchat story and it pissed me off enough that it got him blocked. I was already annoyed with his drinking and calling me drunk to vent about dumb things. I currently have one guy friend, he is very sweet and I have nothing bad to say about him yet. We talk everyday, we also game together every other day and he calls me after work on work days. I enjoy his company, especially because my girl friend hasn’t been around much lately, she’s had her own things going on. 

She disappears sometimes and I’ve learned to accept it, we’ve been friends for almost five years. She is my longest friendship. My other girl friend I recently blocked had also been my friend for almost five years, but that was on and off and long distance, we’d never met up. Me and current girl friend went to school together. We haven’t seen each other in two years. We live close to each other, we just haven’t met up. Hopefully that changes soon. She’s attempting to start driving, I haven’t yet. I’m still too scared. Her mother will not let her come over because I have a dad, not having a mother probably makes that worse. 

My head aches a bit and I’m tired. I ate dinner, I ate everything as planned but didn’t finish my food so I ate four chips. I ate around 1200 calories today. Much better than the passed two weeks. I’ve been averaging 1600-1800. I haven’t lost any weight since the beginning of July. Hopefully I start losing again soon. I deleted all of my goals, they do not work for me. I’m going to mess up sometimes, I’m going to take breaks, I’m going to binge, I cannot prevent this. Setting goals only makes it worse. Makes me disappointed when I do not meet them and makes me want to give up. My only hope is to correct myself when I mess up and restart instead of giving up. 

Good night.