July 13, 2026

 July 13, 2026

I woke up not feeling great this morning, I also went to bed not feeling great last night, I still don’t feel great. I feel uncomfortable, I feel anxious, and I feel angry. I don’t know why. I’m scared to eat, because I have a strong feeling it will trigger a binge. I’ve gained .2 lbs. It’s been consistent for about a week. This is the first time I’ve gained in over two months. It’s bothering me very badly. I’ve thought of hurting myself quite frequently the past two days. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy, updating my website, gaming, scrolling on instagram and twitter, watching shows, none of it works. As soon as I look away for a second or zone out I start feeling horrible again. 

Leaving my room feels draining. Every once in a while I have a bit of energy and feel better for a few minutes, then it goes away and I feel worse. I think I’m more insecure now than I was three months ago when I realized I needed to lose weight. I’ve only lost almost one pound this whole month. Last month I lost 12. I need to change my goal for this month. My goal is now to lose 3.8 lbs. I really hope I lose more but I feel that’s a reasonable goal with how much I’ve messed up this month. Every time I weigh myself my dad asks if I’m still doing well and it really upsets me. I wish I never told him I was trying to lose weight. I wish I never told anyone.

Every time I cry, regardless of why, I always think ‘why didn’t my mother want me’ It pisses me off because I never care about it until then. And now I’m stuck here thinking of my mother instead of why I’m actually upset. It only makes it ten times worse.

I ate and played games for a while and I feel a bit better, I ate as planned for lunch, nothing under or over. Now I’m waiting for my package (the doll I ordered) and I plan on eating after prepping him for painting. The delivery says by 3:40 pm, It’s 3:32, I wonder how late it will be. I planned on eating dinner at 4, I hope it comes soon. 

I ate 1500 calories. 300 over my goal. I’m going to bed.


Good night.


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