June 30, 2026

 June 30, 2026

Today wasn’t good. My father has been hostile towards me ever since I woke up. Now he won’t shut up. He just keeps mumbling things under his breath. I’m so tired of living with this. I wish he would shut up I’m so tired of hearing him. I wish I had someone else I could stay with sometimes. I need a break from living here. In middle school I could just go visit my grandma and uncle, I stayed there a lot during that time. Now my grandma has passed away and my uncle hasn’t talked to me in years.

I stayed with my mother a few times in 6th grade. Her boyfriends house was uncomfortable. He lived with his father and his dying mother. His mother left her room maybe twice the times I stayed there. The second time was because my mother and her boyfriend were fighting, she tried to calm them down. She was a sweet woman, I felt bad for her. His father was quiet, I don’t remember him ever speaking directly to me. 

My mother made me uncomfortable the times I stayed there. I remember when I bathed she would keep walking in, I remember she had told me that my grandparents (her father and step mother) were thinking of taking me away from my father due to neglect, and I remember her telling me to put more clothes on around her boyfriend. I was wearing a tank top and shorts, the tank top was a normal full length tank top, my shorts may have been a little short, but why would that bother her boyfriend? He never seemed creepy to me, he was an evil, abusive, gross person, but I don’t think he would have harmed me in that way. 

Well that reminds me of the time in 8th grade when my ‘mother’ emailed me and asked to see my breasts (we were talking about bra sizes), her boyfriend was known for sending text’s pretending to be her, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was him. But she could have also been asking for him, or he could have made her ask. Other than that he never seemed to be that kind of person. But I was also a lot younger and could have just not noticed things. 

Either way I know my mother is a paranoid woman, she could have just been worried. She claims she was molested as a child by her babysitter, I’m assuming this is why she always acted so paranoid about me being abused in that way. She asked if I had ever had sex when I was 8 years old. I answered ‘why would you ask me that’ so obviously she took that as yes. What 8 year old is having sex? Who would I had been having sex with? And if she meant raped or molested, she should have said that but in different words. 

She did ask that multiple times. She accused my uncle, my other uncle, and my father. I’m sure more people too. Those are just the ones I know of. I believe she tried to accuse my dad again when I was in middle school because I threatened him with a knife once. And I wouldn’t hug him once while she was there. He tried to hug me and I moved away. I was 13. I was probably just in a bad mood. The knife thing I barely remember, I just know that he really upset me and kept laughing at me. 

He’s only ever brought this up once, and that was a few years later when he saw my mother at the store and she brought it up, I think she only did this to try and accuse him again. He told me about it a few months later. I wish he wouldn’t have. It made me feel horrible. My dad and my uncle (dads brother) never did anything of that sort to me. However she was right to worry about the other uncle, my aunts ex husband, her ex boyfriend. 

My mother has always dated horrible men. She didn’t like my father because he was halfway decent. He alleges she cheated on him their whole four/five year relationship. He’s joked that I’m their old neighbors child, I do not like this joke. I mean it could be true, if he’s not lying. He says my mother went over to the guys apartment to show me off to his mother when I was a baby. My dad found this weird. I would agree. 

I look identical to my father, I have since I was a toddler. The only feature I got from my mother is her eyes. Possibly the tip of her nose, only the tip of my nose looks like hers, the rest looks like my fathers. My nose is wide, my mothers is skinny. I got my fathers lips, they’re quite big, my mothers are very thin, I’m glad I did not get them. I like my features sometimes. I think I’d like them aways if I’d lose my face fat.

I’ve lost a pound since yesterday. I’m down a total of 23 lbs. Really I’d say 21. My highest weight had around two lbs of binge weight. Before that I remember weighing in the morning on an empty stomach and being about two pounds less. I lost a total of 12 pounds this month alone. This month I actually stayed strict. Yesterday I ate 1600 calories, that’s the most I’ve eaten in one day throughout this whole month. Before that the most was around 1400. I never went a crazy amount over my 1260 limit. I mostly stayed under or met just at 1200-1300 (at the beginning of the month my budget was 1300). 

I’m not looking forward to my budget going down. But I’ve already decided I’m not going under 1000 calories. Once I’ve gotten under 200 (when the recommended calories for ‘extreme’ weight loss continuously go under 1000) I’ll just have to deal with slower weight loss. Up until about 150 lbs the normal weight loss calorie budget is around 1200, so I feel I’ll do fine with just 1000 calories. I think I’ll be satisfied at 140 pounds. But If I’m not, my second goal is 120.

 120 feels much harder to maintain, so I’m really hoping to be happy at 140. I’d be bmi 24, right before overweight, near the highest weight considered healthy. That feels best for me. My maintenance calories would be 1800, that sounds very nice. I feel surprisingly decent while eating only 1200 calories per day, so 1800 sounds very easy. Maintenance for 120 is only 1700, I just looked it up and I’m surprised I thought it was much lower. I was almost positive it was much less. But it’s not, It also sounds comfortable. I guess we’ll see when we get there. 

Good night.