June 12, 2026

 June 12, 2026

I woke up feeling better this morning, no more pain. I weighed myself as I do every morning, I lost .8 lbs. It's weird that i'm actually losing this month. Last month I stayed the same all month until the end when I lost a few pounds within a few days. I assumed it was because I burn more calories before my period and those days aligned but i'm not sure. Someone said if you don't eat enough your body holds onto water, maybe I wasn't eating enough.

I haven't read today, I may try later. So far I've just eaten lunch and watched an episode of girls. I also ordered some vitamins and stuff for my dads garden. My friend is complaining about how she feels, has been since I woke up. It gets annoying. But I do the same so how annoyed do I get to be? It just bothers me when someone is expressing their bad mood to me while I'm in a good one.

I really want to start making my birthday wish-lists but i'm unsure of what I want, I know I want books, maybe a doll, maybe a few dolls. I've been thinking of collecting smaller Madame Alexander dolls, the 12-13 inch ones. They're adorable. I only have one so far. I wanted to buy a few new clothes but I feel I should wait until I've lost a good amount of weight. What's the point in buying clothes when they'll no longer fit in a few months? It feels like a waste of money.

I think I will buy new panties though, mine are all stained (seriously over 15 pairs, all stained) from my periods. I might as well wear diapers at this point. I wanted a new bra but I know i'll never wear it. I hate bras. They never fit correctly. I think my boobs may be a B cup, I thought C or D before but they're quite small. not many brands make a band size over 38 with a B cup. I was wrong! I just checked and a few brands go up to 42 B. I'd likely need that size. 

I took pictures of my body yesterday, to compare once I've lost enough weight to notice changes. So far I'm down 18.8 pounds. For nearly three months of trying. (started April 22) I feel that's not as much as it could be, but it could also be less or none so I'm grateful to have lost any at all. I'm losing faster lately, I think it's because I've been eating the recommended deficit for my weight, height, age, and gender, and I've been drinking lots of water. I also haven't binged (over my calories) in over a month. 

It's so odd to me that I never realized how big I am, like in middle school when I was 220 pounds, why didn't it click to me that I needed to eat less? Why didn't I realize how unhealthy I was being? All of my friends weighed over 100 lbs less than me. How did I not notice? Even my chubby friends were much smaller than me. It took nearing 300, many years later, for me to realize how big I am. And even now I sometimes think I don't look 'that big'. I do look that big. I look bigger than 'that big'.

I remember not liking the way my body looked when I was a child, maybe 8 or 9 years old, but I never fixated on it. I should have. I believe it's also my grandmother and fathers fault at those ages, they let me eat whatever, whenever. I remember eating whole cans of icing, whole packs of string cheese, whole jars of Nutella, lots of ice cream, lots of sodas, other things I probably just can't remember. I also ate out everyday after school. McDonald's almost always.

They never tried to limit my intake or explain to me I did not need that much food. My grandmother did however tell me I was fat. She just never told me how to fix that. I remember asking her once if I was pretty, she said I would be if I lost weight. I wish she would've helped me instead of just calling me fat.

My grandmother passed away almost a year ago, June 21 will be a year. I still haven't really processed her death, She raised me with my father until I was about 11 years old, that's when she started showing signs of dementia. She was like a mother through those years because my mother wasn't around. I would have thought I would grieve or feel like I lost someone really special, like the average child grieving a parent, I've cried maybe four times. Sometimes i'll miss her, but I never really feel that upset. 

I feel I've grieved breakups more than her death. I don't understand why. I thought I loved her so much yet I just feel nothing. Apparently trauma can desensitize you to things like this, but I do not think I've endured enough for that to be true. I never feel like my trauma is enough. My mother left when I was 3 and was in and out of my life up until I was 15, we got into an argument and she told me to "fuck off", so I did. 

I got groomed online for years on end, around ages 7-10 I was constantly on Omegle looking for people to chat with because I had no friends, I was exposed to many things, different illegal types of porn, roleplaying that always turned sexual, being flashed etc. I'm not sure if it was before or after I started going on Omegle but at some point I figured out how to find porn websites. I became addicted to porn by age 8.

 I lived with two men who hated each other from ages 4-13 (lots of fights and loud arguments around me, having to break up fights, etc.), I got groomed and molested (?) by a close family member for a year or so and had to stop visiting, I then lost him and other family members because of it. I only have one family member present in my life and it's my father. My father seems to hate me a good percentage of the time so I'm not sure he will be around after I move out.

I had to deal with my dad drinking everyday freshman year of high school. One of the main reasons I dropped out, or stopped showing up. They called home maybe twice then gave up. I was tired of him cussing me out every morning before school, then picking me up drunk. I could have gone back the next year and tried again, I was too embarrassed of having to retake classes. 

Around the time I had dropped out I met a man on Snapchat, his name was Marcus. He was 35 years old. We talked for a few months. I'd say that was quite traumatizing. After Marcus I became more promiscuous online and started doing gross things with literally anyone. So many men and not one of them near my age group. I was very open about my age at that time, if someone asked, I told them the truth. 15. Over that whole phase (months), only three men turned me away or blocked me when I told them my age. Three out of hundreds. 

when I turned 16 I became legal in my state. I stop considering it grooming at this point. I was aware of what I was doing, I was aware those men were attempting to groom me and I let it happen. Pretended I was unaware.

I've told men about my experiences with being groomed, I was surprised the first few times they blamed me. Now I know better than to be surprised. I almost know better than to tell them at all. They view you as a whore opposed to a groomed child in an unfortunate situation. I think almost all men would blame me, why would they want to be in the wrong for once? I believe a good percentage of women would not blame me, likely because they understand. But then there's the men worshipers and crazy christians.

That's about all of my 'trauma' up to date, it feels like a lot but at the same time I feel bad for complaining when other people have been through so much worse. I started drawing with my friend, i drew Trover from Trover Saves The Universe, me, and my other friend. I also grabbed a snack and watched half of a YouTube video. I think i'll draw more soon.

I've barely drank any water today, I need to drink more tomorrow. I need a new charger and phone case. My charger is fast charging and i'm afraid of damaging my phone. My phone case has a small charging hole and i'm worried it will damage my cord. I may add those to my birthday wish-list. My stomach feels a little upset.

I'm thinking of my measurements again, the shape of my body. My torso (stomach) measurements are almost ten inches more than my lower half (thighs), I wonder if that will change with weight loss or if I will be stuck top heavy after losing a significant amount of weight. I never see girls shaped like me on weight loss transformation pages, I think it's because we do not look any better afterwards. I tried to find some on twitter, all i found was fatspo and unrelated weight loss posts.

There was one person (member of edtwt) who posted to a thread of fatspo, i clicked on their account and they had a post complaining about people making fun of anorexics and making their disorder worse. How ironic. Their brains are so fried, they need to hop offline. Social media is so gross nowadays. I'm tired.

I've written so much today, I'm glad. I haven't wrote like this in forever. I'm listening to music and lying in bed. I may scroll on Tumblr. I liked a bunch of posts last night, hopefully i'll only get normal posts instead of the ed stuff now. I love "Selby Wall" by Ethel Cain right now. My dad started drinking earlier, he left about thirty minutes ago. To wherever he goes. I wish he would've left earlier so I could've called my friend before he went to work.

My friend and I only call when he's driving to or from work, he doesn't like calling around his family, at first I said I didn't understand, but when my dad comes home or wakes up while i'm on the phone I get very uncomfortable. I do understand. He says he can't hear through the wall but I do not believe that. I can hear everything in his room. I'm listening to "Growing Pains" by Ethel Cain it's another of my favorites.

I miss being in school. I didn't have many friends but I still had so much fun. Now i'm alone most of the time. Always. I need a shower my hair is gross, I probably smell too. I hate how poofy my hair gets when it's hot out. I need to stop putting it in a bun. I should brush it and put it in a braid. I will. I did.

I spent four hours on call with one of my friends, we played among us, a few Roblox games, then watched a YouTube video. Afterward I watched a few YouTube videos on my own, Shane Dawson and SML. Then I watched half an episode of Alf while I waited for my other friend that I mentioned earlier to call. We talked for about fifteen minutes, we talked about omegle at the end of the call and now I cannot stop thinking about it.

I looked up "omegle trauma" on google because I was curious if anyone else was seeing the things I saw. I found a Reddit post about it. The OP talked about how they exploited their cousins to the men on there, I cannot relate to that thankfully, but I did see a comment expressing how Omegle monitors the cams or whatever bullshit and asking what year that happened to them. 

The reply said they must not have been monitoring in 2014-2015 because they had seen CSAM on Omegle in those years. So did I. Well about a year or so later. But I saw those videos. Along with videos of people sexually abusing animals. Illegal videos very easy to be seen, multiple times over multiple years. I was just reminded of the 'evil stick', i'm not sure why. Actually yes I am. I was originally thinking of the things I saw on Omegle and thought I remembered seeing a child cut themselves or being cut by someone.

That reminded me of the little girl inside the 'evil stick' who was also cutting herself. I looked it up and saw the image for the first time in years, it looks much different than I remembered. While texting my friend I just realized something. During my multiple years on Omegle, I have no memories of meeting people my age. I was always 'randomized' to old men, pedophiles, fake people who used simulated webcams to show illegal porn, etc. Never people my age or normal people. 

I've been thinking and I'm not positive these are real memories but I believe I remember one boy around my age and two teenage girls. But that's still only three out of thousands. I'm almost positive one of the teenage girls was a simulated webcam and convinced me to flash 'her'. If I am correct, that's the time I was recorded and had the video played back to me. Omegle was such an awful place to be back then.

The other sites like it aren't much better, I see videos of people doing inappropriate things on them on twitter quite often. Most of the time the girls look underage. It makes me feel sick. Before my friend called I scrolled on TikTok for a few minutes, I saw a post of a woman complaining about a few men on Reddit saying women who falsely accuse men of rape should get more time in prison than men who actually rape women.

I assumed the comments would be in disgust and disagree, I was wrong. The comments were full of men having horrible takes on the subject, the one that stuck with me was a guy saying that false allegations ruin lives and reputations and all this bullshit as if raping a woman is not actually ruining her life. Another comment was from a obviously incompetent man saying that he believes rape should be a 25 year sentence and murder should be life. 

First of all, who said anything about murder? It's like some men just hear something they don't even understand and they're like "hmm, I should put my shitty unrelated opinions into this conversation!" and then without a second thought, (why would they think twice?) they do. I wish they'd all shut up. I'm so sick of how confident these types of men are in this day in age. They're so fucking stupid yet think they are superior to intelligent women.

I've finished rambling on, good night.